Kimberly tapped her pen on the legal pad, and she thoughtfully continued her notes on Felix’s inquiry. She was older, maybe early 50’s he thought, medium build, a few strands of gray streaking her otherwise brown hair that hund loosely to her shoulders. She wore a black pantsuit over a yellow floral patterned button-down shirt. Green framed glasses sat perched on her nose, but felix couldn’t tell if the lenses had magnification.
“Would you mind if we talk about your time so far with the Torch program?” She continued.
Felix responded with a quizzical point of his chin in her direction, one eyebrow ticked higher.
“Good.” She took a note.
Felix looked more closely at the IVs which were originally infusing him with saline. Now they flowed bright red with blood. He inspected each carefully, observing that one side appeared to be pumping blood into his body, while the other seemed to be carrying it away. His eyes followed the tube leading out, sitting up and turning his torso to find a large dialysis type machine, an LED panel at its center reading of a list of stats and percentages. “What’s this thing doing?” he asked.
“Measuring.” Kimberly started blandly. “Tell me about your flight from Hawaii, and please try to be as descriptive as possible. It would help if you closed your eyes and visualized the memories.”
Felix digested the request, maintaining eye contact with the doctor for a few seconds, then relented and closed his eyes. He recounted the rest of the briefing, Chief Brown, and the showers. He described the inside of the C-130 and the attempts at napping on cargo nets for the flight to Adak, Alaska. Finally, he concluded with getting set up in the school.
“That was great. Tell me about the weather when you land.” She probed
“Weather?” He puzzled. ‘She’s asking about the weather?’ Kimberly sat patiently. Felix sighed. “It was late in the evening, but the sun was still up, near the horizon I think. Hard to tell because it was mostly overcast. Cold. Misting. It smelled like grass and algae on rocks and fish.” He detailed.
“Can you repeat that? Try to imagine each piece as you describe it.” She was looking at the wall above Felix’s head.
Felix retrieved a glass of water from the table by his hospital bed. Took a sip, and as he lowered his glass pondering. “Light…Horizon… Late… Misting… Cold… Grass… Fish.” With each recollection different faint-colored pinpricks of light reflected on the glass in his hand. He returned it to the table.
When he looked back to Kimberly, her legal pad was in her lap, hands folded neatly. Her expression was amused. She waited. “Are you invested in what we are doing here?” She glanced at the glass of water, then back to Felix. Pinning him with a knowing but impressed expression.
“What are we doing here?” Felix retorted genuinely.
“We are learning, Felix.” She answered, though not really.
“Not to be rude doc, it seems like you are learning. I don’t really feel like I’ve learned a whole lot other than some field stuff.” Felix pushed.
She pondered. “Can you remember your first kiss?”
Felix skewed his lips, not amused. “Yes.”
“What color were her clothes?”
“Blue jeans and a white shirt with a Nirvana logo”
“How sure are you about that?” Kimberly checked.
“Pretty sure. That was her favorite shirt.”
“And, what if she wasn’t wearing that shirt on that day. What if it was not Nirvana, but some other band?” She challenges.
“Then I’m mistaken.” Felix surrenders.
“So, I’ll ask again… What color were the clothes of the first person you kissed? Try to visualize. Take your time.”
Felix went to answer but hesitated, trying to recall the image. It was there, but it felt different somehow. He was not certain. Most importantly, the Nirvana logo was gone, replaced by some indistinguishable emblem.
“What if you couldn’t remember, or if what you remember the second time is not the same as the first? Would that mean it didn’t happen? Would you still be the you that could remember, or would you have changed somehow? What makes Felix Cassian? That’s what we are trying to understand how to discover.” She frowned, displeased with her own answer, but there really wasn’t much more she could say, even if she was allowed to elaborate. “Bodies are easy, minds are difficult. Where does the Felix that I’m talking to begin?”
Felix turned his head away from her, staring at the glass of water, recalling the corrupted memory of the kiss. A few muted green lights flickered to the right.
“Let’s reset this, Felix. Stay in the moment. Try to remember what happened before the kiss, why was that her favorite shirt, and why was she wearing it in that moment?”
Felix recalled the day at school, the Walkman, the new album, and the concert tickets he’d purchased for them. Blue lights blinked on the left side of the reflection.
“What was the person wearing for your first kiss?” Kimberly asked again in a soft tone.
Felix closed his eyes and recalled the excitement in the eyes of would be his girlfriend. She walked towards him in the brick hallway lined with blue and yellow lockers. Her headphones draped around her neck. She locks eyes with him, and her expression lights in recognition. She extends her Walkman towards him, tapping and the small glass window covering the word “Nirvana”. He held up the tickets. She saw, and her expression fell in confusion. Pointing at herself, she mouthed the words ‘For us?’. Felix nodded. She pointed at her shirt. Directly at the Nirvana logo, plainly visible. ‘ME?’ A few jogging steps and she was in his arms; lips pressed firmly against his.
“Blue jeans and a white Nirvana T-shirt.” Felix stated in a low faltering voice, eyes glistening with the emotion of the raw memory. He looked to Kimberly, but she was staring at the lights above his head. A subtle but victorious grin. Her pin makes an obvious checkmark motion on the legal pad. “Good”
Felix rested his head on the pillow, closing his eyes. “Let’s continue.”
“Can you recall a time in life whe you felt truly affraid on behalf of another person?”
Artavus Quill 